How to have a successful discussion

Key factors I have learned regarding how to have a successful discussion that make sense and that enable communication and understanding include questions, definitions, and some rules. These factors apply to both written and spoken discussions.

The context for these factors is that what you are after is TRUTH. That is the goal – not to show that you are right and the others are wrong, but simply to discover and identify the truth. TRUTH is that which corresponds to reality. These suggestions will help you get there.

Regarding the truth, we may love it; we may not like it. But truth is independent of our wishes, fears, or feelings. Things are what they are. And yes, we also assume that we can handle the truth.

Perspective on a discussion

When we have a discussion, we are engaging in communication. The purpose of communication is to …

• Gain understanding
• Share thoughts
• Learn new things
• Be understood

Don’t be disappointed if someone doesn’t agree with you immediately. Usually no one changes their mind on the spur of the moment. Many times it takes time for a new or different or opposing idea to filter through all that we know and become integrated with our knowledge and accepted.

“We make progress as individuals only when we know the most powerful argument for and against what we judge to be true, and we can best judge the truth of a position by testing it against its worthy competitors. We often want shortcuts, perhaps out of intellectual laziness, an unwillingness to admit errors, or to protect some belief we feel is core to our identity. But there are no shortcuts on complicated matters.

“We make progress socially only when we are able to articulate our views clearly to others who are trying to understand – and when we ourselves genuinely understand what others think and why. We often talk past each other, and discussion degenerates when one party senses that the other isn’t really listening, or is addressing a weaker, easily attackable version of one’s position.”²

Three questions for a successful discussion

There are three questions that should be part of your repertoire in your critical thinking arsenal.

1. Why?
2. How do you know? Or, show me the data.
3. What do you mean by ___? Or, what is your definition of ___?

If you are having a casual conversation that is not addressing important issues or trying to solve a critical problem, then these may not be applicable. However, in today’s discussion “climate” that is often laden with emotion, these are crucial to gain understanding and identify what is truth.

Examples of applying the three questions.

• Student loans should be forgiven. Why?
• We’re cutting staff by 30%. Why?
• We need to go to counseling. Why?
• Our children should go to a private school. Why?

Often, the answer to “Why?” will lead to the question “How do you know?”

• Building a new football stadium will increase business. How do you know? Show me the data.
• Using this soap will make your skin look younger. How do you know?
• Humans are the primary cause of global warming. How do you know? Show me the data.
• The moon gets farther away from the earth every year. How do you know?

• You should support public art. What do you mean by art?
• You are a racist. What do you mean by racist?
• I have a right to health care. What do you mean by a right?
• A Muslim says he wants peace. What’s his definition of peace?
• Vote for this candidate because she wants change. What does she mean by change?

Of course, how you ask is just as important as what you ask, but here we just focused on the “what.”

“I would rather have questions that can’t be answered than answers that can’t be questioned.”

― Richard Feynman

Definitions are important for a successful discussion

Well-defined words are the foundation of effective communication and understanding. And effective communication is the foundation for all human relationships. And THAT is why we have to be precise! THAT is why words are important!

A word should have an unequivocal meaning. There should be clarity and precision; words should not be fuzzy, vague, diffuse, blurred, or indeterminate. Language is a tool of honor, always to be used as if one were under oath – an oath of allegiance to reality and to respect for the human beings with whom you are communicating.

So if you want to be understood, and understood like you want to be understood, you must pay attention to the words you use and their definitions.

Technically (and we have to get technical here), a proper definition of a word states the essential characteristic(s) of the concept the word represents that differentiates it from other related items in the same family.¹

For example, a chair is a piece of furniture with a horizontal surface, supported by legs, with a back, and is suitable for a person to sit on. “Furniture” is the family, and the rest of the phrase contains the essential characteristics that differentiate a chair from other furniture such as a table or chest.

If you can’t define your terms, you literally don’t know what you are talking about, and you are just uttering meaningless sounds or writing meaningless symbols and your communication is not grounded in reality. Which means, you are unable to communicate and hence are unable to be understood.

Know your “why”

When taking a position on an issue, it is important to know WHY you are taking that position. This is just as important as the position itself. That way you will be more grounded and confident of your position.

In the best case, you know how your position is derivable from or is supported by fundamental principles. This is especially important in ethical and political discussions.

Example. Stealing is bad. Why? Because it violates someone’s right to their property. Why does someone have a right to their property? Because the right to property means I can use and dispose whatever I have produced or earned. And if I am not free to use or consume or dispose what I have produced or earned, I don’t have the right to liberty or to life. And THAT is why stealing is bad.

For a brief discussion of rights, see my post What Are “Rights”?

Principles operating in a discussion

“It is important to consider a few rules about the working of principles in practice and about the relationship of principles to goals.

“The three rules listed below are by no means exhaustive; they are merely the first leads to the understanding of a vast subject.

1. In any conflict between two men (or two groups) who hold the same basic principles, it is the more consistent one who wins.
2. In any collaboration between two men (or two groups) who hold different basic principles, it is the more evil or irrational one who wins.
3. When opposite basic principles are clearly and openly defined, it works to the advantage of the rational side; when they are not clearly defined, but are hidden or evaded, it works to the advantage of the irrational side.”³

One example of the first would be the Minimum Wage. Both major parties agree in principle that there should be a minimum wage. Since the Democrats are more consistent, there is only one direction: up. See my post on the Minimum Wage for comments on the morality involved.

An example of the second would be giving in to your cousin who asks you to help him fence some stolen goods. His principle is that the theft he committed is ok because the owner didn’t really need the items. Your principle is that theft is evil because it violates the property rights of the owner. But since he is your cousin, you collaborate with him. You have sold your soul, and the devil has won.

Some rules for a successful discussion

Here are some rules I have learned over time that help keep the discussion going in the quest for truth and understanding in an atmosphere of civility.

• Stick to the subject.
• Don’t interrupt.
• One person talking at a time.
• No ad hominem.
• No name calling.
• Eliminate gutter talk
• Avoid logical fallacies.1
• Know the underlying premises of your positions.
• Identify the underlying premises of the others’ positions.
• Argue from basic principles.
• From a saying of long ago, “You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.”

Applying these rules will go a long way to having a successful discussion and the discovery of truth.

References

1. Kelley, David, The Art of Reasoning: An Introduction to Logic and Critical Thinking 4th Edition, W. W. Norton & Company Inc. 2014, Chapter 2 for a technical discussion of a definition and Chapter 6 for detailed discussions of fallacies.
2. Hicks, Stephen R. C., Liberalism – Pro & Con, Connor Court Publishing Pty Ltd. 2020
3. “The Anatomy of Compromise” in Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal by Ayn Rand.

Photo Credits

1. Four people around a table at a business meeting: fauxels from Pexels